How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm too high and old for this...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize