My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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