I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
