Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
