Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
