if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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