There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she told me i tasted like america
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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