you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
