she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
