Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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