You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
