my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
