Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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