My balls are so social today.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
