You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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