Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
