Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
