Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
