Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
