omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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