i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
