Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
