i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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