____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Randomize
