Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
