I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i believe in u and ur pee
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize