There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
