I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
