I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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