I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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