Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
