driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
