Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
