I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
