She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
