she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
honey bunches of taint.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
