your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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