my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
