I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
