Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
