Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
