I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
