Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
