I cannot find my penis.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
