I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
