mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
