i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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