He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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