my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
