I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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