I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
