Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
