Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
