The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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