She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
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