I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
