i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
