remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
