it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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