I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
