So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
