When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize