Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
