my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
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