She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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