did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
